Originally written for the series of Malta anthologies (All pretty good stuff), it was supposed to be in the upcoming 4th volume, but got bumped, and there won't be a fifth. So I'm free to give it away.

It was written to be both the latest in my Dr. Mauser stories that have been running on Deviant Art, but also an introduction, so it includes a lot of backstory. And of course it had to be related to Malta, so I did a lot of historical and geographic research (Which was really frustrating, I had to change major plot points several times, but I think it ended up a little better).

I think my favorite comment of all time was when I showed it to Martin Shoemaker (fantastic writer), and he said, "Your worldbuilding is twisted."

If you're curious about the Malta anthologies: Ghosts of Malta, Knights of Malta, Saints of Malta.The fourth volume will be called Falcons of Malta. (Amazon Affiliate links)

So allow me to present Dr. Mauser and the Guns of St. Mary's. (Deviant Art)

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This is clearly the series where the animators took ALL the Drugs.

Seriously, it's as coked-up as Gurren Lagan, psychedelic as Flip Flappers, and whatever FLCL was on, they had some of that too.

In two episodes they're still getting the band back together, so they haven't gotten TOO far into who and what the villains are, but basically ten years from their present day, Akihabara was invaded by goons in armor with spherical smiley-face helmets who were confiscating anything Otakus were into, as well as arresting and taking away the Otakus, claiming they were taking them under "Protection" but actually placing them in camps.

In the intervening time, one who escaped their grasp to become Otaku Hero has pulled together a small revolutionary force to fight back, and their first (and largely only) victory was to re-take the ruins of Akihabara. Part of his army were three magical girls, Anarchy, Blue and Pink. But in the last few years a war of attrition has eaten away at Otaku Hero's will to fight. Blue has been captured, Pink disappeared, and Anarchy is trying to keep things going, but can't quite do it without him.

They manage to repel what could have been the final rout, and OH rediscovers his will to fight. But he knows they need all three girls. So they set off to rescue Blue. There's an Otaku prison under the now shuttered Tokyo Big Sight, and Blue is in a 7th level sub-basement, heavily bound and hanging in a spiderweb. When they arrive to free her, a big boss robot emerges from the floor, but it is no match for Anarchy, who is so bored she gets out a kotatsu and tea while it's trying to pummel her into the floor. And once they defeat it, and unbind Blue, well, we learn that Blue is the perverted nympho of the magical trio....

In the second episode, they track down where Pink is running an eternal rave party, and it's practically next door to their headquarters. But persuading her to leave being queen of her followers isn't going to be easy. Understanding her isn't easy either, as she's a small blonde Loli in a pink dress... and a gas mask she never removes, which muffles her words to the extent that only Blue can translate for her. Her condition to rejoin the resistance is that Anarchy and Blue must defeat her on her choice of battlefield - her mind - after giving them pills to bring them into mental unity. Fast forward through the insane kind of crap that goes on in this kind of psychic warfare outside of reality, and they eventually convince Pink to rejoin them.

They're quite a mixed batch, even as Magical girls go. Anarchy uses a wand, Blue a weird demonic-looking scythe, and Pink wields an enormous hypodermic. And don't get me started on their transformations....

Yeah, it's fucking weird as hell, so it interests me enough to stick with it long enough to see if they can make sense out of it.

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I've got maybe 5 things picked out this season. This is the one I took a total flyer on. I seem to recall it was a J-list article about it that made me say "Eh, why not?"

The basic plot is that our protagonist, Rokudo, is one of three geeks in a class, no, a school full of nasty delinquents. One day when he gets home he has a package from his long-deceased Grandfather that contains a magic scroll that the family has had for generations. It's SUPPOSED to protect you from Demons. There is probably some Japanese language gag in there that explains what really happens, because all the delinquent girls who have been bitchy to him start acting nicer, but this has no effect on the bullies.

Hijinks ensue.

I wasn't expecting too much out of it, and frankly, I have serious issues with the art style, but halfway though the first episode I've already gotten a serious laugh out of it. (And that's before he meets the baddest of the bad girls who is destined to be his Girlfriend).

Rokudo Tosuke: The main character. Not entirely sure what his geek specialty is, but he's been a lifelong target for bullies. Also has zero experience with girls, and some exceptionally old-fashioned ideas about them (Which is why he doesn't like "Bad Girls", because they defy traditional roles).

"Taisa" (Chief) Kijima Kota & "Colonel" Hinamoto Masaru: Rokudo's two best, and only friends. They're with him when he opens the scroll, and they see it glow when he first takes hold of it, and the purple pentagram that appears on his forehead (which nobody else seems to notice). Taisa already resembles a middle-aged businessman, and Colonel is a military geek.

Himawari Ranna: "Miss Sukeban" A callback to the old school bad girls of Japanese cinema. She's an Amazonian blonde who wears a long skirt and carries a hardwood bokken. She's a devastating brawler and has a perpetually grim demeanor, until she sets eyes on Rokudo, then she lights up and blushes. She totally terrifies him.

Iinuma Haruya: the primary bully in Rokudo's class. Notable for having half his hair bleached.

Tsubaki: girlfriend of Iinuma. After Rokudo touches the scroll, She becomes a lot more solicitous, actually apologizing to him, and she is quite concerned when suddenly Himawari joins Rokudo in class (She sounds almost jealous, and her boyfriend really picks up on that.).

Tsunoyama Takeru: Lieutenant of Iinuma. Himawari puts him in the hospital by beating him with a desk when he punches Rokudo. (This is why Rokudo is terrified of her. At first she just SEEMED scary, this was the first confirmation - beyond the blood on her hands when they first met at the mall after she trashed a dozen guys at a food court.).

It turns out the gang of thugs Himawari took out was a gang Iinuma was considering joining. When he meets his contact who is in the same hospital as Tsunoyama, the guy tells him about how terrifying she is. That she takes out gangs and Yakuza families just because she's feeling pissy.

Because of his weird old-fashioned beliefs, when he runs into Himawari on the bridge he pledges that as a man he will protect her from the revenge the bullies must be plotting for her. This makes little sense because moments earlier he was talking about transferring schools to avoid her. All she hears from his impassioned speech is that he doesn't like delinquents, so she says she'll slaughter them all for him. And he has no clue what he'd do anyway, since he can't even protect himself.

He has to be careful though, his power over Himawari seems to exceed mere suggestion - she takes a minor beating because he made her promise not to fight - and his outdated ideas about manliness are going to lead him to even more trouble.

Like standing up to his Bully himself.

---

In the second episode, they introduce Tsuyukusa Mizue: The Student Council rep. She is a total good girl, so apparently the spell from the scroll has no effect on her. Except apparently she does like him a bit, and it ruins him in her eyes to see all the trash girls suddenly hanging off of him.

Iinuma apparently is somewhat impressed at Rokudo for actually standing up to him, and decides they're friends now. After school he takes him off to get some Ramen, but they never get around to talking until the very end, where he warns Rokudo that the top dog at the school, Osanada, is after him now.

It's not exactly a timely warning. One of Osanada's gang comes up to him just as Iinuma leaves him in front of the ramen shop. Apparently the beef is something to do with Rokudo "Messing around" with all the girls. The thug grabs him and expresses doubts that he knows anything about being a playboy, but then the pentagram flashes, and the thug's girlfriend suddenly starts defending Rokudo. Obviously the curse doesn't know tactics or strategy. Iinuma reappears and gives Rokudo a choice. Be a weakling (which he loathes) or stand up to Osanada. But if he stands up, he will back him (This makes the thug start to sweat). Chief and Colonel, who were spying on Rokudo the whole time come out to try to talk him out of it. But Rokudo has a burst of newfound determination. He convinces his friends to back him. Then Himawari shows up too, and the thug is cowed into backing off.

Osanada knows where to find him, the message goes, he's not going to be dragged off.

Then Iinuma drops a bombshell with deeper implications. Osanada is a girl. (And is revealed then to be a cute little girl with pink hair, and a length of pipe in her hand, who rides on the shoulders of one of her biggest thugs.)

Rokudo thinks that all he has to do is have the curse work on Osanada, tell her not to fight, and he'll be okay.

Of course, it doesn't go that way. When Osanada drops by his classroom, the pentagram fires, but she's apparently immune. The thought of boys and girls together just grosses her out.

Or perhaps not so immune, as she tries to punch Rokudo and it comes out like a love tap. To make sure, she tests her punch on the Colonel and nearly puts him through the wall. Then she decides Rokudo isn't necessarily all that bad and agrees to talk instead of fight.

And that talk leads to big complications....

I still hate the art, but I think I'll keep on with this. It's overblown and a bit screamy, but the characters are so unique.

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Not quite as impressive lyrically though.

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Okay, I know I watched the first season, but it's not on my drive. I don't normally delete anything except for American TV shows. (Purged my Marvel/DC folder recently. Mostly unwatched.)

I realized this because I noticed how bad my backlog was with the recent two-season part 4.

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